I'm having a hysterectomy!
I've been silently suffering for most of the last decade, and, like most women, I made up my mind that the debilitating health issues I have been dealing with daily were somehow all my fault. I told myself I would feel better if I ate more salads, had a better work-life balance or spent less time on my computer and more time meditating.
I have a very stubborn type of blood disorder called microcytic anemia. Typically, healthy ferritin levels are around 120 to 200. Mine is at five. In basic terms, I have smaller and less blood cells than a normal person, which means my body carries less oxygen to my tissues and it messes up everything.
I've tried eastern and western medicine, acupuncture, iron infusions, hormone replacement and the help of a nutritionist. The last resort is removing my uterus so that I can keep as much of my precious healthy, oxygen rich blood as possible.
To be honest, most days I can barely function, and I've gotten really good at hiding how I feel. A lot of the quirky personality characterizations I'm known for are traits I made up to cover my symptoms, which include an exhaustion that no amount of sleep can help. (I currently sleep 13 to 16 hours a day!)
I started joking about not wanting to leave my house or not liking people. But the truth is I love my people. I can't wait to be out on a dance floor with my friends or at a concert with my husband Chris Knight like we used to.
My LADYGANG cohosts Becca Tobin and Jac Vanek call my inability to focus on anything "skimming." Plus, I'm dizzy almost 24/7 and I feel like I'm floating above my body in a confused state, desperately trying to stay present. And, because my whole body aches constantly, I tell people I have former dancer arthritis. But, when I did a bone scan, I literally didn't have a single instance of that.
Now, I look forward to the day my body doesn't throb, my head doesn't ache from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.
I can't wait to not have to memorize all the lines on a teleprompter and pretend I don't have super blurry vision that makes reading anything nearly impossible. I can't wait to not randomly faint, to not need to lie down for a nap between getting dressed for E! News and walking to set to host the show.
I'm being honest with you because my hope is that as women, we stop feeling like we need to pretend everything is OK when it's not.
Throughout my career, I felt like I was such a fluke, that all my dreams were coming true not because I deserved them, but because I had tricked everyone into hiring me. I believed that working hard meant feeling like garbage all the time. I thought I was making the choice to be a career woman and that if I wanted to feel good then I should've picked something easier.
I felt replaceable, so I never really advocated for myself because I knew if I was out sick, they would find someone younger, sparklier and healthier.
Living with a chronic disease silently takes over your entire life. There is guilt of not being a good wife or a good friend and the shame of never getting better leads to deep depression. It's hard to keep fighting for yourself.
Until now.
I want to thank my team of doctors, including the most special human on the planet Dr. Sadeghi and his team at the Be Hive Of Healing, my endocrinologist Dr. Nazemi, my oncologist Dr. Berkowitz, my gynecologist Dr. Lee, and my amazing surgeon Dr. Seidhoff.
I've cried to them more times than I can count, and they dug their heels in until we had real answers. (A doctor once told me I had "chronic fatigue syndrome" and I was just meant to feel like this forever.)
I also want thank John Pascarella, John Redmann, Tracie Wilson and the whole team at E! for making me feel so safe and supported because the timing couldn't be worse. I won't lie: It's a wild feeling being offered your dream job and not knowing what to say because you are worried that you need time off for surgery.
I cannot even imagine what it's going to be like to feel better for good, but I got a peek at real life last year when one of my infusions seemed to take. (Then my levels almost immediately dropped and I went back to being a walking zombie...)
Thank you in advance for all your support and I hope going public with this will inspire all women to get to the very bottom of why you don't feel right. It's not because you ate that Snickers, I promise.
Love,
Your favorite childless wonder